Hidden Exposure

A Day In the Life: The Billups Family

2012-02-05T15:37:00.000-08:00

I got a chance to spend time with this wonderful family today and here is a sneak peak of their session. Stay tuned for their story in words and photos!

Tryst

2012-02-04T11:51:00.000-08:00

Coming Soon!

3+5 = 35 :)

2012-01-29T12:39:00.000-08:00

Back in November I had a pretty significant birthday, I finally turned 35! :) I know, I know I don't look 35 but trust me, my misspelled birth certificate will happily announce that I am officially in my mid 30's Truthfully I have been looking forward to my 35th year and welcomed it with open arms. The last few years leading up to 35 have been increasingly fantastic and I anticipate that this year will be one of the best ones yet! Because I am so excited about this year and the possibilities it holds and also because the Facebook fan page has hit, and exceeded 350 likes I wanted to give you all a little gift!

Starting February 1st and ending April 30th book a session with me and you will get 35.00 off the session price! Drop me a line and we will get you on the calendar!

Also because all posts are made better by nifty images and great music, here is another shot from Angelica and Keith's awesome engagement session last week and a great song from Angus and Julia that I just adore and fit their session perfectly.

Mix- Tapes and Prose

2012-01-23T15:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got the chance to hang out with Angelica and Keith. I have known them both for a couple of years but not nearly as long as they have known each other. I have loved watching this friendship blossom into something deeper. I could tell you all the ins and outs of how they met and how he proposed but I'll let Angelica tell you their story.

When we were talking about doing their engagement photos the biggest thing that jumped out at me was their mutual love for books,music,and the city of Richmond. Keith is getting his Master's in English and Angelica is quite the artist and derives so much inspiration for her own photography and art through music and reading. I quickly started a Pinterest board for them and started trying to find the perfect spots in the city to capture this time in their life. We decided to use Black Swan books and Deep Groove Records. Both places were perfect for what we were going for and I think it fit them perfectly. Congratulations you two and I'm looking forward to your special day!

This weekend I will be announcing some deals for the months of March and April. Stay tuned to the blog and also the Facebook fan page for the announcement. While you are at it, if you are not already a fan click that little "like" button and tell your friends.

Beyond

2012-01-22T15:58:00.000-08:00

Being a photographer and a story teller most of the time when I go places I keep my eyes peeled and my camera, or iPhone, at the ready, scanning the room looking for the story. A lot of times I actually tend to miss out on a lot of what is going on because I am spending so much time watching, poised and waiting for that perfect moment so I can capture it forever. This morning I had planned on doing just that but it did not go as planned.

In my mind I was determined to tell the story of a chapter in my life, and the lives of so many that was ending. I wanted to capture all the minor and major details, remaining slightly detached and just observing this time in all of our lives. About 5 minutes in nothing was clicking for me, the moment did not seem right and while I waited for another that one did not feel right either. Minutes were passing and while I was seeing some great photos, to capture them just seemed wrong, so I put my camera down and watched what was unfolding before me.

As I put my camera down I was actually able to see more than ever before. I was able to see more than just a chapter closing, I saw representations of love and sacrifice and without having the camera I think I would have really missed it and the impact it had on me. This is a place I spent so much time in over the years and today I saw it in a new light. I realised that this is a place that will always be home, this is a place where I will always get my fill of hugs and kind words, I'll always be welcomed and though so many things have changed and continue to change it will be a place of comfort. Today was another transition for this community and there were times for tears and the times ahead are a bit uncertain I know they will make it because they are dedicated to one another and I totally would have missed all of this with a camera to my face.

Before the end of service I was able to snap 2 photos and when I look a them they mean so much more to me because the story I experienced was far greater than all the moments I would have captured.

I gots Some Splainin' to do

2011-12-05T20:21:00.000-08:00

It's time for the storyteller to become the story again!

I like sharing these little bits and pieces of my life because if I want to tell your story, I need to share my own. This particular story may be one of my favorites to date and one that I will be telling over and over again. The story is really simple and it all revolves around a book and some impeccable timing. I had picked up a book that I had been looking forward to reading for quite some time. He had just finished reading the same book and it had quickly become one of his faves. Who knew that this book would start a conversation that would start another conversation, that would start a deeper conversation that would change both of our lives for the better.

Our initial conversation was as initial conversations go, we talked about the book and then we joked about being artists and how finding another employed artist was like finding another unicorn in the forest and that we needed to stick together . Well as stories like these happen I really was not expecting anything after this first meeting other than making a new friend and potentially a collaboration partner so we exchanged information and joked about running into each other again totally aware that meetings like this don't happen everyday but things quickly switched. We started talking more and more and with each conversation I would realise that the story of my life and the story of his life were so similar and so intertwined that it seemed like I was saying "Me too!" or "I totally understand!" pretty much all the time . After our talks I would sit and think to myself how was it possible that with thousands of miles apart two people were living very similar lives and that the healings we had experienced and the struggles that got us to this point had made us both two very different people who were seeing life with new eyes and open hearts. Also after every conversation I started realising that this guy, in a very short period of time had managed to make my heart skip a beat and bring a smile to my face daily. I knew that this was not just your average feeling and after talking with him and hearing the same thing we knew that we had to give this thing a shot and see where it could all lead. Over the last few months it's been absolutely amazing and this weekend after seeing each other after that one chance encounter, we knew that there is no one else for the other and that what we got is pretty special and pretty amazing.

You are probably wondering by now what's so great about this guy, so I'll tell ya.

*Now I am going to get super mushy here for a second so get those barf bags and kleenex ready. ;) *

He is really everything I could have asked for and so much more. There are the exterior ;) and surfacey things but there is so much in his personality and heart that floor me daily. He is a writer, musician, painter loves a lot of the same weirdo stuff that I do and we can gush for hours about it all. I think those are the things that endeared me to him initially and then as we talked more I realised that he gets it.

He gets what it is like to take care of a parent and deal with what happens when your parent is not able to fully function.

He gets what it is like to struggle with body acceptance and what it takes to reclaim your body as its own and cherish it, wanting to do the best by it as possible.

He gets what it means to be hurt and rejected and how that can disarm even the strongest among us.

He gets what it means to love your friends with all you have and want to give them the world even when you have not even the means to nab it for yourself.

He gets what it's like to have those days of self doubt and how hard it can be to shake that tiny voice but how much stronger you are when you do.

He gets me and I get him

It's that combination of all the weirdo stuff we both dig, the being handsome as all , and this heart he has that has knocked me out of my socks and I could not possibly let this slip out of my hands. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

So there you have it, that's my mystery guy and the one who finally stole my heart and it all happened because of a book.

Welcome Home!

2011-11-25T19:44:00.001-08:00

A few weeks ago my niece Teshia returned home from 2 years working abroad and they threw her a surprise welcome home party. There was tons of laughter, dancing, hugs and love celebrating the coming home of out little world traveler.

Do The Whirlwind!

2011-11-24T17:24:00.000-08:00

A Day in the Life

2011-11-14T15:22:00.002-08:00

Over the past few months I have been really re-thinking the way I approach family photos. My biggest desire with most of the work I do has been to tell the story and I have come to find that with families those moments are best captured when they happen naturally. Within those quiet moments with books, those screaming tickle fights,or just snuggled up on the couch lies the real heart of each family and the only way for those things to happen is to just allow them unfold. What that means is taking a totally different stance when doing family sessions and I become less the loud orchestrator and more the quiet observer each families life.

I've decided to call these sessions "A Day in the Life Sessions" and they have been going great. With each session I have been able to really see families in their element, appreciate, and capture those special moments that could be lost amidst the hustle and bustle of family life. I really am excited about this new approach and I would love to tell your families story.

If you are interested in capturing "A Day in the Life" of your family, please drop me a line and we can set up some time for me to spend time with your family and tell your story.

12 Months Later

2011-10-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

12 months ago it was all fresh and new and exciting, but even in all the rush of emotions and butterflies Meghan just knew. She knew this would be so different and she knew that this wonderful man would be her forever love. When they got engaged it was an ideal day filled with amazing surprises, that included being brought on stage during a Josh Grobin concert and him helping them celebrate this new part of their super charmed story. I was super excited to be able to document this part of their story as well and the whole day was more awesome than I could have imagined. There were lots of laughs and I got to see how their love has matured, they fit and oh so perfectly. I cannot wait to see what the next 12 months have in store and what their special day will look like.

Between Shifts

2011-10-27T11:52:00.001-07:00

Untitled, a photo by a hidden exposure on Flickr.

I got interviewed today by a nifty little blog called "Between Shifts." They focus on those of us who are bi-vocational and why we have the day jobs we do and what made us want to be bi-vocation artists.. some of us by force :) Please check out all of our stories and if you are interested in being part, drop them a line

Familiarity

2011-08-12T19:46:00.000-07:00

Someone saw a bit of this painting in the photo I took of myself Thursday and asked me about it. I figured I'd take a picture and .. well do what I do :)

This was a piece done by a friend of my eldest brother and if I remember the story correctly mom saw him as one of her own and did her best to help his tortured soul. Sadly he left this earth way before his time, but he created this piece specifically for her and she hung it in the favorite room in the house; the music room. I grew up staring at this for hours listening to music and trying to find another thing in the midst of all the colors. I've seen a lion, a seahorse, a sculpture my mom owned, an ear, clouds... all sorts of stuff. It was as though no matter how many times I stared at it, it was always something new and I never grew tired of it.

Even now I'm still finding different things and getting lost in all of the colors. When things become common place and the inspiration is not there anymore I still lay on the floor, like when I was a child, and stare at this painting just to remind myself. I remind myself that the most familiar of things can still be beautiful and full of newness if you just take the time to sit and take it all in.

On the Sidelines

2011-08-11T16:31:00.000-07:00

I have always been a person that gets up and goes. Typically my days, nights, and weekends are filled to the brim, and I love it. Even my evenings alone generally involve multi-tasking between photo edits, phone conversations, house work, and trying to watch a movie all at the same time. I can never be bored because I never really sit still, so you can imagine how this week has driven me absolutely batty! My days, instead of being filled with tons of activity , have me either moving slowly to my bed, slowly to my office, or slowly to my couch. I've not left the house in days so it's been a pretty lame existence and also enough fuel for me to throw one raging pity party!

If you did not get an invite oh man did you miss it! There was this awesome party mix that included "Everybody Hurts," and the entire "Dashboard Confessional" discography. Tons of "woe is me" conversations and even a few tears. It was awesome! I think it was one of the best pity parties I have had in a while, and I have had a few. I affectionately also call these my "being a brat" phases, they have happened more than a few times in my life *cough understatement cough* and they generally revolve around something completely irrational and untrue. Usually the parties last anywhere from a couple of hours to a day and are kicked pretty firmly in the teeth by a couple of precious straight talking friends or me actually thinking about what I am saying and how completely ridiculous I sound in my rants. Once I come to my senses and the party is over I dust myself off and try to locate that sunny disposition that I has become my gold standard lately.

I wish I could say bad times like this will not happen again and I wish I could say I won't have another pity party but alas I know better than that. Instead I am going to continue to focus on all the awesome in my life and the people there who make my days that much better, whether I am healthy of gimpy! I am going to celebrate the folks in my life who make it a point to bring me dinner when I can't leave the house, comfort me with the promise of hugs and cucumber sandwiches when I'm on the verge of tears, pray for me when there are no words, make me laugh even in the midst of my grumpiest of moods, or bring me sour gummy lifesavers and share 1 of their raspberry cheesecake cookies with me because they are delish. Maybe focusing on all these great things will make the pity parties shorter, my smiles bigger, and my laughs louder (if you can imagine).

And this is Why You Always Leave a Note

2011-08-08T17:58:00.000-07:00

Have I got a story for you! I mean it's only fair right? I like to tell other people's stories so why not turn the camera and the words onto myself and I think this will be totally worth it.

It was about 2 or 2:30 yesterday afternoon and I was in full house cleaning/cooking mode, this means no make-up, no shoes, grubby clothes and an agenda. Dishes were put away, dishwasher loaded and garbage picked up and headed to the cans outside, this has proven to be a misstep on my part; pardon the pun. I stepped onto our back porch to put the garbage out and that is when things went from normal to "things that could only happen to Jaime." My 2nd step just so happened to coincide with a board that had decided it was tired of being left to rot and was going to teach me a lesson and give way. In about 2 seconds I went from standing on my two feet to having my right leg firmly wedged between two pieces of wood.

After flailing like a fish out of water trying to pry my leg out I decided that the next best thing to do was use this melodic voice I had been given to scream like a mad woman for someone to hear me. I screamed once and nothing happened, I screamed a 2nd time .. still nothing. At this point I have begun to envision every possible scenario and arrived on 127 Hours as the barometer of where my life was headed next, only I did not have a video camera to record my deep thoughts which mainly consisted of , "Crap I am totally disheveled at this present moment!' and "ACK! I left the oven on!" nor did I have a knife to extricate myself so I really was screwed. Once I realised all of this I resumed my best flailing fish interpretation and then screaming.

I have no idea how many minutes actually past before my neighbor came running but it could not have been soon enough. He bounded up the steps to help me and at the same time I realised that my mom had been calling my name wondering what was going on. I think that is when reality really set in for me because I could not get to her and there was no way she could save me, so had my neighbor not come it would have been a completely different tale. My neighbor tugged and pulled at the board to no avail and I am now full on Claire Danes level ugly crying about what is going on. He said he was going to grab some tools and that he would be right back, assuring me that I would be totally ok. I begged that he let my mom know what was going on before he left and he proceeded to bound down the stairs inside to tell her.

Mom had been wondering what was going on for some time she heard me screaming and at first thought it was the TV, then thought I was talking on the phone, she then realised that this was going on too long so she gathered herself ran to the restroom and was prepared phone and cane in hand to defend her little girl from whatever was attacking her. Right as she was working her way to the stairs my neighbor was coming down and she was sure that whatever was out to get me was out to get her. She got her cane and was going to hit him over the head until she heard him say "Ma'am! " about 3 times. Mom realised there was no way this could be an assailant because who would be that polite before attacking someone and she put two and two together. She comes out and asks how I am and if we needed to call 911, I told her to hold off just in case and my neighbor returned with his wife and some tools. It took about what seemed like an eternity but he broke the board and got me out.

I am pretty banged up and my right leg is about twice the size of my left. I'm pretty sore all over from all the flailing and trying to push myself up, but from what I can tell nothing is broken. I am super thankful for my neighbor and my super big mouth without either who knows what would have happened. I'm super thankful for all the offers of help and for the prayers. I am taking it all in stride (ha ha) and trying to find the humor in this giant mess. I even have a rad new accessory which is sure to set a trend.

I have learned a valuable lesson from all of this though;"This is why you always leave a note!"

Hint of Green

2011-08-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

I met Sarah Blue last year when I was at Cornerstone, if I remember correctly we were both standing in a goth tent watching Leanor betting a goth makeover. Our conversation was brief, the typical small talk, and she had to leave to go record a band that was playing on the other side of the grounds. I don't think I saw her again that week except in passing but she stuck out to me, there was just something about her that just shone bright and it stuck with me. When she came to town a few weeks ago to visit her parents we got together to hang out and to collaborate on some photos. A few days prior to my visit I had read a section of verses that struck me in it's joy and beauty; they seemed the perfect match for Sarah and after a few messages back and forth and some story boarding* we had a common vision in mind.

When I got there the day of the shoot I was introduced to her wonderful family and this room that has stuck with me since. Sarah has a prayer room off to the side of the house, there is a piano and some seating but what really struck me was the art she had created to describe her heart and her passions. I stood in the room for a bit while she gathered herself and just soaked it all in, so many words and images that were so powerful.

We headed out to chase the sunset and she lead us to this wonderful area filled with blooms, flowers and a hint of green. We shot until there was not a speck of sun left and then headed over to Hyperion Coffee to grab some drinks and talk. I think the conversations we had about art and faith were my favorite times during my visit. Both of us have such a desire to live and breath art and to have that gracefully collide with the journeys we are showing and sharing our love for our creator. I stayed there way past the time I had planned but I would not change it for the world. It was certainly what I needed to re-charge and be reminded of what's important and what daily drives me.

" See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come!"

~Song of Solomon 2:11-12

I hope you enjoy we we came up with, feel free to drop me a line! I cannot wait to meet you, grab a cup of coffee, talk, and capture your story.

* I am sure you are wondering what this whole collaboration board is about, I'll be talking about that very soon! :)

Summer Winds

2011-07-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

Rouse Your Bones

2011-07-18T17:53:00.000-07:00

I love days like yesterday. I woke up late and just lazed in bed for a few hours. There were plans to collaborate and be creative with a couple of friends later during the day and I could not be more excited. Later in the afternoon I met up with Stephanie, Johnny with cameras in hand we trekked to Olde Towne Petersburg to see what treasures awaited us. After a brief Sonic stop and a theme song queued up we crossed the bridge into Olde Towne. Within minutes we found our inspiration, an abandoned car wash, and started shooting. We took photos of each other, walked in and out of shops, giggled and spent the day just doing what we all love. All in all it was a pretty perfect and restorative day!

Stammering Eloquence

2011-07-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

Thousand Words

2011-07-10T21:32:00.000-07:00

My past 2 weeks.... it's been a doozy

Ceiling Made of Stars

2011-07-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

I scream, you scream, we all scream for.... iPhone

2011-06-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

I could go on and on and rave about how great the phone is and how you should get one... seriously.. I could :) ! I won't clobber you over the head with all it's awesome, but I will babble about the camera/video app.

Since I got the newest iPhone I have used it as much as a point and shoot as I have for anything else. I love being able to document my life being able to do some on the fly edits* and share** with folks what's caught my eye.I definitely plan on sharing more here, so enjoy a little slice of what my everydays look like!

*if you would want to know which apps i use for edits drop me a line and i will give you all my faves!
**if you are on instagram, i'm "ahiddenexposure" ... surprise

Sweet Love

2011-06-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

I love ... love!
I love watching couples fall in love and catching those moments.
I love it even more when it's people I have the honor of knowing and call dear friends.

Scott and Susan fit in both of these categories. I've known them both for quite some time and had tons of conversations with Susan about how her feelings for her friend had changed. It's been sweet watching their relationship blossom and even sweeter watching them take this next step and establishing a home and a life, together.

Taking pictures with them yesterday it's obvious the amount of love and fun they have with one another.
I'm looking forward to their September wedding, and if yesterday is any indicator it's going to be a blast!

The Failure Quotent

2011-06-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

There are days when I wake up fully ready to take on the world.
Nothing could really stop me, lists will be checked off, errands run, I'm gentle to myself and those around me; in short I'm invincible! I have an "S" on my chest and a cape that says the same.

Then there are those days where nothing is going right. Sleep was illusive and it takes everything in me to drag myself out of bed. The tape in my brain is that harsh one that I thought was long since gone. My emotions live on the surface and a smile is much harder to fake. Those days make it hard to find joy, make it impossible to find peace. It's failure that becomes my cape and instead of helping me fly it's an anchor to the ground.

The days of failure are often times harder to rebound from because it is so familiar. Those days used to outweigh the good and it's easier to sit and stay where you are comfortable than to try and push your way to the other side. On those days I am learning the art of knowing my weight, balancing it out and striving to find joy where things are seemingly broken. Finding hope where things seem totally overwhelming. It is not a perfect process, it is not an immediate process but it's coming along, I'm coming along and really isn't more about the journey than the destination?

You are a Tourist

2011-05-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

Hands down, Death Cab for Cutie will always be one of my favorite bands.
It started with "Plans"... I know pretty late in the game, but we all have to start somewhere. I would listen to that album daily, sometimes only making it through a couple of songs because after the song would finish, I would just hit repeat and listen to it again. There was something about the way Ben Gibbard could craft a lyric that undoubtedly spoke truth to whatever I was going through in my life. I can name a stand out track from each album and pinpoint exactly why it impacts me the way it does. This new album is no exception and listening to it tonight I'm reminded why Ben Gibbard is one of my lyrical heroes.

(This... Fire... Grows... High...)

When there's a burning in your heart
An endless fury in your heart
Build it bigger than the Sun
Let it grow
Let it grow
And there's a burning in your heart
Don't be alarmed

(This... Fire... Grows... High...)

When there's a doubt in your mind
'Cos you think it all the time
Framin' rights into wrongs
Move along
Move along
When there's a doubt in your mind

When there's a burning in your heart
And you think it'll burst apart
Oh, there's nothing to fear
Save the tears
Save the tears

When there's a burning in your heart

And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born
Then, it's time to go
And you find your destination with so many different places to call home
Cos' when you find yourself a villain,
In the story you have written
It's plain to see
That sometimes the best intentions
Are in need of redemptions
Would you agree
If so, please show me
(This... Fire... Grows... High...)

When there's a burning in your heart,
When there's a burning in your heart, (This... Fire... Grows... High...)
When there's a burning in your heart, (This... Fire... Grows... High...)
When there's a burning in your heart, (This... Fire... Grows... High...)
(This... Fire... Grows... High...)
When there's a burning in your heart.

Have you Lost?

2011-05-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

In the past couple of months I have been asked that question, or something similar, at least a 1/2 dozen times. The first time happened while getting a pedicure and since then it's a weekly occurrence. Each time my explanation is the same, some awkward reply mixed with a slightly self-deprecating comment and some giggling.

It's such a strange question to ask and to have asked, but it does not stop it from happening. I was finishing up my ab workout a woman comes over asking if she could mimic what I was doing. After a brief explanation and a minor modification she asked me a couple of questions about a friend that I usually work out with and then she asks that question I answered with my patented over explanation and a nervous laugh. After a couple more exchanged she went on her way, and I sat on the ball for a couple of seconds thinking about this question and how often I'm asked.

I never have a good answer, I can never give a definitive amount and I am ok with it but I think it baffles so many others. The assumption is that with the amount of time and sweat I am expending that I simply must be keeping pretty good record of what I've lost. Truth be told I'm not focusing on the things I've lost but rather what I've gained. Looking at what I've gained has motivated and pushed me more and more each day.

Now, don't get me wrong, I definitely celebrate what I've lost but day in and day out what's lost fades in the background against what I've gained.

I've gained perspective
I've gained strength
I've gained stamina
I've gained confidence
I've gained... myself

So I may not have an answer that works for most, but you see it's the gain, not the lost that is the most important to me.

Rebounds

2011-05-24T15:22:00.001-07:00

Untitled, a photo by a hidden exposure on Flickr.

There will always be peaks and valleys
There will always be broken and whole
There will always be a time to rebound

On Being the Daughter

2011-05-03T15:07:00.000-07:00

That's my dad and that's my mom and that was reality 2 Fridays ago. My mom in a wheelchair because she can't navigate the long hallways and my dad in a hospital gown getting prepped for open heart surgery. Leading up to the day my mind was going everywhere. Since I've been in my 20's mom has been the one in the gown, being prepped for a surgery or dealing with some medical thing and dad has been the relatively healthy one. As strange as it sounds, I had gotten used to that life, I had gotten used to being the level headed one talking to doctors, coordinating with the staff and relaying the information to family about her condition. I've not really had the luxury of others taking on that role so I know it like the back of my hand.

See, dad usually had to work and my siblings have their own situations going on so I'm the steady one. During those days I was/have been the care-taker so with the looming thought of both parents being slightly incapacitated at the same time I dreaded that position more than anything. I could not wrap my brain around doing what many of my friends could not imagine doing at this stage in their lives and it was just as overwhelming as the reality of the surgery.

The day finally came and we piled into the car headed to the hospital, dad got mom a wheelchair and I raced her down the hall; you have to have a little fun. My dad got prepped and as we were all sitting there I watched as my mom did what I've done multiple times before. She talked to the doctors, she listened intently and I sat back keeping them company until I had to leave for work. The waiting was the hardest part that day, but I waited until my mom called me to let me know things were ok. I talked to her that evening and broke down over the phone explaining how I knew he was in the ICU and completely unconscious but I needed to see him, telling her how I did the same when she was the one. It was so comforting to hear her understand and be my support, it was also so totally strange.

For the first time in multiple years I've gotten the chance to be the daughter. People called my mom for updates, my mom dealt with doctors and nurses and I got to be the one to sit and listen. I've not been the one keeping it together and it's been something so new. My life has not been as consumed with hospitals and medical jargon this go around. I was able to just visit and breathe, to pick up and drop off and watch my dad still be my super hero. Truly I've not seen someone heal as quickly as he as this past week, but what did I expect, he's pretty fantastic.

I know my time as being just the daughter will not happen often and I anticipate that sooner than later I'll be care giver again. I will be fielding calls and calmly explaining what's going on and what's next. But for now, I'm going to take advantage of being the daughter this time and watch my parents be their silly selves together and have my mom look after my dad for awhile.

Chaos, Normalicy and the Pieces

2011-04-19T20:38:00.000-07:00

I'm actually surprised it took this long for it to all sink in. I'm terribly surprised that it took this long for the smile to fade and the tears to well. I knew it was going to happen, it usually does, but in private, behind closed doors, when I'm alone. I can keep the pieces to myself playing the chaos off as normal but not this time. This time it happened at the worst time, or should I say the best time. Surrounded by people, in public, with friends close at hand is the opposite of what is comfortable. It's the opposite of what makes sense but it's what needed to happen.

I cleared my throat often and kept my gaze downward as I shared what was really going on. I spoke slowly to hold back tears and tried to maintain the pieces for myself, pawning it off as normal. They listened, spoke few words,and allowed me room while I mentioned this verse that made it's way back into my heart just an hour earlier

God said, "I love you." You replied, "Really? How have you loved us?" "Look at history" (this is God's answer).

We talked about why it made sense and I told my story, the dark times and suicide attempts, the kindness from people I love, the rescues and healings I'd seen. Standing there being prayed for and supported by folks so dear I knew why the pieces had to fall. They had to fall so I would know where they fit. They fit in that moment held carefully by dear friends and a God that needed to show me love. This goes into my story, this will be part of my history when chaos becomes normal and the pieces need to fit.

Into Paradise, May the Angels Lead You

2011-04-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

Hey Brother,

I was working on some things when it hit me what tomorrow is, you would think the date would be something that I would remember with great clarity. It's the day we said goodbye to you, it's the day I realised I would not see your goofy face or hear that deep gravely voice again. It's the day I saw my mom broken in a way I've never seen and saw my dad be less of a man and more of a hero as he held it together. It's a day that was filled with sadness but also a day I saw my family begin to mend and a lot of healing happen. It's a day that was equal parts blessing and grief.

We all miss you and all wish that you could be here to see all the wonderful things that are going on. I wish you could see your girls and how fantastic they both are, how gorgeous your granddaughter is and how strong, intelligent and handsome your son has become. I wish you could see how grown up your niece is now; she's 15 now..crazy. I wish you could see how funny our mom is and how she still keeps going no matter what, she's one of the strongest ladies I know and I'm sure you know that all to well. I wish you could see a lot of things, but I wish we could see you.

You are missed down here Jai and we all love you dearly. I'm working on this project and I thought it just made sense to thank you tomorrow, not for who you were but for what your life has meant to all of us. So while tomorrow is a day to remember I'm going to choose to smile because of the life I got to see and get to continue to see through your legacy.

<3 you!!

PS: Since you are up there you know things have been a little hectic around here. If you don't mind, could you put in a good word :)

Square vs Round

2011-03-30T21:19:00.001-07:00

Untitled, a photo by a hidden exposure on Flickr.

The past couple of weeks have had this eerie and familiar feel to them. They are roads I've walked a few times in my life. Wondering when a parent will go to the hospital. Asking when the surgery times will be and how long they will be in recovery. Prepping myself for the conversations with the doctor about how the patient is doing. Traveling to and from their room with little pieces of home to tide them over. I've done this a few times over the years and the days leading up to surgery are usually filled with anxiety; something I try to hide it but my lack of sleep and heavy heart are pretty evident. This go around,however, it's not as taxing as it has been.

I know dad is going in soon and I know the surgery is a pretty major one. I know mom is still sick and as she ages things will get worse. I've known all of this for sometime and instead of trying to convince myself that it would be ok , I kind of know it will. I am still concerned, I am still praying, I am still thinking, but I'm not paranoid and planning for the worst. I have become assured that no matter what things will be taken care of and taken care of beautifully.

Though the cherry trees don't blossom
and the strawberries don't ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless
and the cattle barns empty,
I'm singing joyful praise to God.
I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God's Rule to prevail,
I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
I feel like I'm king of the mountain!
~Habakkuk 3:17-18

Journeys and Scrapbooks

2011-03-27T21:23:00.000-07:00

It would probably look like a lot of things.

It would probably fill a couple of photo albums with a single word scrawled on the spine. "Depression" would be written on one spine, "Childhood" written on another, "Brokenness" written on a third and there would be one not totally filled. It would be the one that's a little different than the rest. The photos are brighter, the book itself would be timeless, the time period not easily determined by its design. It'd have engraved on it's spine "Joy" and on it's cover it would be embossed with the word "Wholeness"

While I'd hope that people would focus more on the newest album, I know that the whole collection will be worth looking through. It's where I've been and where I am headed. Without the things before, the beauty that has come after would not be as cherished.

There’s a rumor “Pictures speak louder than a thousand words”
Even louder…louder than the sounds you’ve never heard
Take a snapshot of my face and put it on your desk
Study it closely and you’ll get to know me best

The Spirit of God speaks loud and clear with a still small voice you can barely hear
Unless you’re quiet like a picture
I am convinced you can paint his thoughts and get his point across
More than a thousand words. Just a picture.

There’s an echo of a life lived two thousand years ago
And it’s fading, fading, fading
But I know we give life to what we choose to know
And I know
~Like a Picture (Joy Ike)

It's a Little Grey

2011-03-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

Death and I are sadly a little bit more acquainted than I would like. When I get the news that death has visited yet another friend, co-worker or family member I cannot help but to say hello to that old unwanted visitor. Usually there is the initial jolt of the knock on the door then the heavy sigh knowing that he'll be lingering for awhile. The air just seems heavier when he's around and things seem a little slower.

This week death visited some colleagues of mine and I wonder how long he'll stay. Words for them seem to fail me but I feel like the world should stop, if just for a moment, to allow them to regroup. Sadly I know the truth, their worlds actually will stop, I can only pray that when it begins again that hope tethers them.

Hope that there is beauty amidst all the ashes.
Hope that life can grow and flourish
Hope that peace is a reality
Hope that the story that is told is one of joy

This is the hope I have learned to embrace when death comes to visit because I know it to be true.

to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.Isaiah 61:2-3

There is Nothing Like ...

2011-03-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

watching a father with their child. Every time I do a family shoot I am usually drawn to those quiet moments with a father and their son or daughter. Capturing moments like this speak volumes to me about what safety, love and protection really look like.

I started this week with some bad news and I've been reminded again of how important stolen moments like this can be and how important capturing these stories will be years from now.

Blown Away

2011-03-18T15:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard something that just gives you chills.
Today I heard that thing and I am so glad I did.

Please, take the time to watch this, you won't regret it!

Jacob-wrestling God fights for Us

2011-03-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

It's been a whirlwind of a weekend! Friday night I ended up in Chesapeake watching an Invisible Children documentary. Through the work of this organization the youth of Uganda have had peace for the first time in over 20 years. Unfortunately the man resposible for the civil unrest in Uganda has moved to more remote areas where there is no communication and he is still committing horrible atrocities. Invisible Children is working to help the residents of these areas by setting up an early detection communication system which could save so many lives.

Watching the documentary I was struck with 2 thoughts: one familiar, which is this long standing desire to go to Africa to document their stories and share them, and one new which was hard to place. We chatted about the movie briefly Friday night but even in those chats I could not place what that thought was, let alone articulate how I was feeling about any of it.

Saturday and Sunday I was in the city documenting Arts in the Alley. A few years ago when I documented the first Arts in the Alley, I spent so much time chasing a shot, or fidgeting with my camera that I missed most of what happened. Going into it this time, I was determined to see something more than just that perfect shot. So Saturday I took a step back, put the camera down and just watched what was transpiring before me.

I saw a man who had been out of work for months eagerly using his skill as a painter pitching in and painting railings and stairs. The life that came back into his eyes as he shared his knowledge was amazing. I saw kids from the church and the neighborhood eagerly picking up brushes and painting walls, doors and each other. Their faces ranged from determination to hope and excitement as they started working on these pieces. I saw everyone come together in prayer for a little girl lost and her father whose heart was broken because of it. Everyone stopped whatever they were doing and gathered together to be a voice on behalf of this father and his daughter, petitioning for her safe return. Seeing all of this assured me that there was something more to this than beautifying a church and splashing a little color on the walls. As I watched the murals coming together I noticed that it became less about the haves helping the have nots but more about this group becoming a family. Eventually you really could not tell who was with what organization or who was from where, we were all working together to make this happen.

There was one mural that caught my attention and it was more about what it literally said than what it was. Above a silhouetted cityscape was the phrase:" God is here, the streets are safe." All throughout the weekend I just kept coming back to this phrase and it kept tapping on my heart and mind. While I was driving home tonight the verse was echoing in my head and I started to sense and see why. What I experienced Friday night and what I was seeing Saturday and Sunday were deeply connected to this single verse.

Psalm 45:

1-3God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.

Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.

4-6 River fountains splash joy, cooling God's city,
this sacred haunt of the Most High.
God lives here, the streets are safe,
God at your service from crack of dawn.
Godless nations rant and rave, kings and kingdoms threaten,
but Earth does anything he says.

7 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.

8-10 Attention, all! See the marvels of God!
He plants flowers and trees all over the earth,
Bans war from pole to pole,
breaks all the weapons across his knee.
"Step out of the traffic! Take a long,
loving look at me, your High God,
above politics, above everything."

11 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.

In the documentary there was a scene of the residents taking the streets, white flags held high, experiencing peace for the first time in 2 decades and the kids were finally safe. Looking out on the residents of the area we were in this weekend I saw kids being kids, couples dancing, people laughing and people enjoying this celebration reveling in the peace that surrounded them. I surely sensed a slice of heaven breaking into earth this weekend and it made sense. When I got home tonight I read the entire Psalm and the words were more appropriate than I realised.

Dirty Mouth, Clean it up!

2011-03-07T14:30:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make. I, Jaime Nicole Patterson, have a dirty mouth, I will give you a second to recover. :)

In all seriousness I do tend to enjoy the art of cussing. Ever since I was about 8 years old when my friend and I decided that we would start a cussing club, I have loved saying those 7 words. There was something about saying those words that was just the best thing ever. Maybe because it was taboo, or that when you said enough of them together it was just funny, in either case it's just about the most un-ladylike thing I do. I've had those moments where I feel that twinge of guilt when the words tumble out of my mouth but most of the time I just ignore it, that is until this morning.

I was doing my usual Facebook thing when I saw a link from Patience Salgado that made me pause and think. She has started a virtual swear jar to raise money for a local charity, after reading up on the project I was totally down. Being that Lent starts this week, I figured why not join with Patience, use this time to reflect and help a great organization all at once. So,starting Wednesday if you catch me call me out and I will put 1.00 into the swear jar.

Here goes nothing!

Seasons

2011-02-27T19:09:00.000-08:00

I was working on some photos from this weekends shoots and something struck me:

There was a time where all I wanted to do was photograph in black and white because "color was boring." Really I think I lost joy along the way. Lately all I want to do is capture all the beauty and color this world has to offer.

My personal season of joy lost pushed me to explore who I am and why I create. Now that I have re-discovered joy and embraced all of me. It's time to celebrate that through the talents I've been given.

Walk the Pilgrim Way

2011-02-20T13:41:00.000-08:00

Constructing thoughts to the tune of a wordless melody
Writing poetry to the music in my head
The plucks and strains of syncopated beats
All weaving into intricacies of perfection

Sailing into cloudless skies
Directionless and lost
Sensing only a heart beat
Leading me on a path otherwise unknown

Days melt into nights
Still lost, guided only by the movements of my chest
Searching , crying desperately for a sign
Struck quiet by a tiny voice
Hope springs to a true north

Between the gutter and the stars
Lost in this moment of infinity
Watching the time slow
Hearing only breathes and harmony

Feeling the intimacy
Knowing the reality
Wanting never to awaken
Reality and fantasy inextricably related

This music
These memories
Our time
Combine to create the ideal.

What's on the heart

2011-01-08T07:47:00.000-08:00

This weekend, may your eyes turn to hill-tops, and may your heart sing this prayer—

Glorious Jehovah, all Thy promises in Christ Jesus are yea and amen, and all shall be fulfilled, yet I have often doubted Thee, and have lived at times as if there were no God. Thou has given me to read my pardon in the wounds of Jesus, and my soul doth trust in Him, the ground of my life, the spring of my hope.

Bless me with Abraham's faith that staggers not at promises through unbelief.

Grant me a distinct advance in the divine life; may I reach a higher platform, leave the mists of doubt and fear in the valley, and climb to hill-tops of eternal security in Christ by simply believe He cannot lie or turn from His purpose.

~Valley of Vision

What's on the mind...

2011-01-07T12:51:00.000-08:00

"I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: It remains a radical act to be fat and happy. If you’re fat, you’re not only meant to be unhappy, but deeply ashamed of yourself, projecting at all times an apologetic nature, indicative of your everlasting remorse for having wrought your monstrous self upon the world. You are certainly not meant to be bold, or assertive, or confident—and should you manage to overcome the constant drumbeat of messages that you are ugly and unsexy and have earned equally society’s disdain and your own self-hatred, should you forget your place and walk into the world one day with your head held high, you are to be reminded by the cow-calls and contemptuous looks of perfect strangers that you are not supposed to have self-esteem; you don’t deserve it. Being publicly fat and happy is hard; being publicly, shamelessly, unshakably fat and happy is an act of both will and bravery"

~Shakesville

The Greatest Treasure

2010-12-27T15:14:00.000-08:00

For the past 30 days and for the next 335 more I have partnered with a friend of mine to do a project called "Year of Thanks" basically we are thanking people and taking the time to honor them by recognizing the impact they have had in our lives. Some we've known for decades, others we just met today. The point behind all of this is to bring some positivity into the world and remind people that you will not go unnoticed.

Since we started this quest it's been really cool to see the responses we have gotten. Something so simple is causing people to pause and be thankful. One comment we got said that we were his "Chicken Noodle Soup" for the day and that he reads our blog on a daily basis Two gals, who love people and wanted to make that known are making a difference just by using two words. It's kind of crazy once you think about it, and as things like this often do it got me thinking.

I have this file cabinet in my office that really is only there to take up space and make my office supplies disappear. Actually I take that back, it serves one other purpose. In the top drawer, all the way over to the left there are two file folders filled to the gills with envelopes,strips of paper, and cards. Some have the most impeccable penmanship and the coolest designs ever, others are scrawled on pieces of construction paper people literally ripped from a book. It's a mini mountain once I pull all of them out and they date back almost 2 decades.

Last week during a slow period during my work day I pulled them all out and started to go through them one by one. There were birthday cards, long letters, photos, and drawings. All of them basically said the same thing, they all, in their own way said thanks and that you matter. As I re-read them names, faces and events came back like a flood. When I was 19 and dealing with things way more intense than I should there were letters and notes of hope. At 23 when I left for a month on the road in a van to tour manage, there were letters of encouragement filled with verses and smiley faces from the kids I was leaving behind. Most of the monumental and everyday parts of my life were followed up with some sort of pom pom wielding letter and I am so glad I have kept each one of them.

Our words are powerful and can have a lasting impact, and in keeping these notes over the years I'm reminded again and again how beautiful people are. So know that if you have ever written me a letter, made me a card, gotten me a grade school valentine, or attached a letter to the sweetest gift I've kept them all and read through them... often. I have said it many times and I will say it a million times more, I know some of the greatest people in the history of the universe and I hope this little project we've undertaken will remind you, as you have reminded me, that you are loved and never forgotten.

I Feel Pretty....

2010-12-16T19:25:00.000-08:00

I feel prettiest when....

1-I'm in the midst of creating
2-I'm wrapped in a blanket and my favorite sweater watching TV
3-I'm looking through the other side of my view finder
4-I'm moved by words written by another and sung by me
5-I let go and just dance
6-I have on my favorite dress
7-I've spent the night crying and my eyes are beyond swollen
8-I get that shy glance
9-You compliment me
10-I am just done biking 7 miles
11-I laugh with all I have
12-I see you get that comment I made under my breathe
13-I look at my mom
14-I'm hunched over my journal pouring my heart out
15-I watch you enjoy that story I just told
16- You're crying on my shoulder and all I can muster is an exhale
17-It's 4 in the morning and there is no one but me the oceanfront and a song
18-I'm speaking my mind
19-My eyes are that perfect cat eye shape
20-I'm doing that 1/2 smile
21-I'm stumped and have no idea what the write
22-It's just me and a couple hundred miles from anywhere
24-I'm just silent
25-I'm consuming inspiration

26-I'm singing loud and only I can hear
27-I'm around those I hold dear
28-I'm exploring
29-I see the stars on my right wrist
30-My room is finally picked up
32-I'm hanging out with my favorite girls
33- You let me hold your child for the first time
34-He opens the door for me
35-I see how far I've come
36-I totally throw caution to the wind
37-I'm in prayer
38-I blend into the wall and just watch
39-I worship
40-I give what I have to someone who is wanting
41-I get encouraging letters from friends
42-I'm in sweats and a bandanna doing house work
43-I'm cloud gazing
44-I get this crazy idea and follow through
45-I'm eating a cupcake
46-I get that one photo I've been chasing all day
47-I am beyond frustrated
48-I'm watching you strut
49-I'm talking to you about nothing at all
50-I look back at this list and realise I'm prettiest when I am all these things and more

So.. When do you feel your prettiest?

Thanks Amelia Pontes for this awesome idea!!

The History

2010-12-12T12:25:00.000-08:00

I wrote this over 4 years ago as I was starting my journey into being my true self. In reading it I have come so far in this new self and am so amazed at what 4 years have brought me.

Also you will see mentioned the name of my photography business on the last line. The name itself, A Hidden Exposure, carries a much different meaning now than it did then. I'm writing that entry this week and I think you'll see why A Hidden Exposure means the world to me.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Stage Fright
Exposure.......
Someone had a word for me MONTHS ago about how I was going to be exposed. Most of what the person said just sort of fell to the wayside but this one thought will not leave me. I kept thinking about what it would mean to be exposed. How damaging it would be to be completely naked before a group of people. Secrets I had hidden readily available for anyone to see. Being exposed became a huge fear of mine.. something I was going to fight tooth and nail.

Seems as though lately being exposed was not what I thought. It was not as though I was being exposed in a negative sense, my exposure is happening in a way that is for the good. The thing is, it still scares me. I really do want to hide back behind the curtain and run the show from behind the scenes.

For so long I was just a cog in the machine, or the cheerleader in the background. I really liked that position because I felt like I was doing God a service by advancing so many people who could potentially fall by the wayside. My role was the helper, yes I had some talents and what not but I never made a deal about them. They were the things that I did as hobbies or as an act of worship I kind of liked keeping them a secret because then it was just me and God.

So I had poems that were never read,sang when I thought no one was listening, or took pictures and kept them in my own personal photo albums. I would never call myself an artist or anything of that nature because there was always someone better. I tried to keep those things to myself, because why risk being exposed that way.

In my eyes I was just the one that made the plans or cooked the meals and made friends at the drop of a hat. These are the traits I really focused on, publicly at least. Then little by little the private things became public. My poems were getting read, I was getting caught singing and people wanted my pictures. I was being revealed but it was still easy to hide behind the curtain safer there at least.

Now... it's like the curtain got completely ripped away and I am standing there in front of this huge crowd. I am exposed for the talents that I have been given. No longer is it just something I can brush off or keep a secret. The more I try to hide the more I am being revealed. The only problem is, I am suffering from a severe case of stage fright.

I want to go back into hiding. To be really honest this whole thing is a bit outside of my own comprehension or desire.But I guess my life is not my own now is it, I submitted to God in everything and it means fighting my own perverse or selfish desires. My inclination is to tuck into a ball and hide in a cave till this is over, but there is nowhere to hide, it is time for a hidden exposure.

Let it Be

2010-11-24T06:42:00.000-08:00

An hour before work I stroll into my living room, laptop, journal, and phone in hand. The light peeks through the curtains and blinds reminding me that it's a new day, a beautiful day.Breakfast is made, songs are selected and I dive into a time of centering. Each morning looks different but at the end of that time I come away ready to leave my mark.

Today I cannot stop thinking about those around me, loved ones who have lost family, friends who are struggling financially, folks that are in the hospital and it breaks my heart. I wish I could travel to where they are, sit at their hospital bed, hug their family, give them all that I could, but it's not mine to give. My job this morning is to pray, ask for the things that I cannot provide and be reminded that they will be ok.

All I can do is ask what I can give, how I can love, who I am to be.

I opened my Bible this morning and I saw what I need to do, not just now, but always.

Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless—cheerfully. Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God's words; if help, let it be God's hearty help. That way, God's bright presence will be evident in everything through Jesus, and he'll get all the credit as the One mighty in everything—encores to the end of time. Oh, yes! (1 Peter 4:8-11)

My prayers are with you friends. My heart, no matter how far, is there with you as well.

The Three that Stole my Heart, I'm not sure I want it back

2010-11-13T15:07:00.000-08:00

I actually did not want to go this morning, sitting on the edge of the couch rubbing my eyes I plotted out my day. Looking at the long list of things I had on my plate, going back to sleep made so much more sense than this thing I agreed to do. A couple of grumbles and a few sighs later I hopped in the shower and psyched myself up for this long day.

On my way there we got lost, a friend ,who was following me, mentioned that maybe this was a sign and that we should turn back but for some reason I was sure we'd find it and thanks to my handy Smartphone and some pretty awesome Google-Fu we figured it out and actually arrived early instead of late. After some warm greetings we headed upstairs and were greeted by two little girls scarfing down breakfast and watching TV. At another table was another little girl just sitting alone with a coloring book open just staring. Without a thought I walked over to her, pulled up a chair and we started to talk, then we opened the Play-doh and the magic began.

Once that was open and about 5 minutes later I was surrounded by giggles,demands that I "look at this", and stories. One little girl turned into 10 little people all wanting to play this game I made up on the spot. It was a Play-doh free for all and we made snakes, and cakes. We created a mushroom forest and a mask then we fixed puzzles and played guess what I just made. The numbers of the kids ebbed and flowed but three remained, Erykah, Myasia, and Jean. They have to be three of the prettiest girls you will ever see.

Jean was so quiet and so sweet. She worked steadily with her Play-doh trying to make her piece just perfect, never taking off her coat in this terribly hot room because her hair was not done. She spoke every now and again smiling ever so sweetly when I told her how pretty she was, half way through the morning she blossomed and confidently strutted around without her coat, knowing how beautiful she was.

Myasia was a tough one, she did not want to share, she really did not want to talk. It was all about taking what was hers and yours come to think of it. We played a little bit and eventually she shared what she had. She smiled and laughed with us as we started to meld all the play-doh colors into one mess of gray. Eventually she painted me, a picture by the time the day was done.

Erykah was the easiest. She wanted to get to know me right off the bat, telling me how pretty I was and asking what we could create. She was the first to paint me a picture, even drawing one of me, right down to the ponytail. She smiled so quickly and did not want to let me go when I hugged her. When I asked all three girls if I could come back again there was no hesitation, only enthusiasm.

At the end of the morning covered in play-doh and paint with three more jobs to go I could not help but to sigh and come to the excited realization that this is what was missing. When I said goodbye to those three girls three major pieces of my heart walked out the door with them. As I have gone through the rest of my day, doing the other things I love I know what an absolutely perfect day looks like. Really when I look back on the past 7 days I know, beyond a doubt what I was born to do.

Treinta y Cuatro

2010-11-11T20:37:00.000-08:00

I really never thought I would be in this place embracing 34.
I'm closer to the middle of this decade of living.
I'm farther away from the past decade that used to define me.

I'm a new creation, daily breathing in gratitude and peace
I'm a new being with a new wardrobe that is uniquely mine
I'm a new protagonist re-writing the script that was once a tragedy
I'm a new fighter pushing past broken shards
I'm a new canvas filled with broad bright strokes

I'm heading into a new adventure not fully knowing what's next.
I'm excited to live 34

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"

Hush If You Must

2010-10-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I wanna be a doctor and a lawyer I would often say. Then, with my chubby finger touching the corner of my mouth I would amend my answer... I want to be a photographer and a ballerina! I'd nod my head as if to say I was pretty serious about this career path and without fail I would change it again this time I wanted to be all four, a doctor, a lawyer, a photographer, and a ballerina! Big dreams for such a little kid. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I would do it too.

I got older and reality set in. The aptitude tests, the long chats with my mom about future and monies. The logical thing was to put the tutu away, along with the cape and the stick I planned on using the slay dragons, and start really thinking about what made sense. What made sense, and what came practically naturally, become a counselor. That's what I did, went to school, took the Psych classes, the English classes, the Spanish classes and did what came practically naturally.

Now I want to don my tutu grab my cape and fly... I'm trying to figure out how...

It's a Simple Equation.. I Hope

2010-10-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

+

and

= just what i needed for the book idea i've been mulling over

I Wonder as I Wander

2010-10-13T05:55:00.000-07:00

can i live in a place of permanent autumn filled with lush colors or permanent spring filled with greens and pastels

if i shout loud enough will someone finally hear me

how far could i drive before i fell off the map

did i say hi and smile today

can i have the courage to ___________

will i ever commit the time to learning the guitar

would i put that song in my heart to music and sing out

33 turns to 34 then 35.. so what!

if i feel lonely, i wonder who else feels forgotten

can i have that one smile, i fought really hard to get it

it's been some years and you still hate me, that's funny 'cause it's definitely your loss

i'm not the only one but sometimes it doesn't appear that way

o god be my everything, be my delight.

one of these days i'm going to ___________

love, love, love... hopefully i'm making this reality

Don't Forget

2010-10-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

don't forget, don't forget
mhmm
that I believe in you
should you forget
should you forget
let me remind
that I am behind you

you were a secret, waiting to be found out
soon be what everyone is talking about
may you spread your love like laughter
find whatever you're after
open all your windows and let the music spill out

don't forget, don't forget
that I believe in you
should you forget
should you forget
let me remind you
that I am behind

may you dance like rain upon a still lake
you make this world a beautiful place
no more crying, don't shun your light, keep shining
wipe your tears from your sweet face

don't forget, don't forget
that I believe in you
should you forget
should you forget
let me remind you
that I am behind

don't be afraid should things happen to change
'cause change can be a beautiful thing
should things fall apart
be patient like a rainbow
life is loving and letting go

Of Magnolias and Families

2010-10-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

They are one of the cutest families that I have had the privilege of spending time with. I met Mike and Angel a couple of years ago when I was running around backstage doing hospitality and shooting an occasional photo during Kingsfest. We chatted a bit about the fest and our obsessions with our iPhones, they were a pretty awesome couple I got a chance to take a couple of impromptu portraits of them between bands.

After the fest we've kept in touch and really wanted to do a family session with their 2 adorable daughters. It took a bit to get the schedules coordinated but we finally did it and I could not have asked for a more perfect day. We used a museum in Petersburg as a backdrop and I got a chance to hang out with Mike, Angel, Cailey and Charlotte. They are such a fun family and it totally comes across in these photos.

If you are ever interested in getting some portraits done, feel free to drop me a line and we can chat!

I'm Happy You're in Love

2010-10-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

It was after we worked out one night when she shyly mentioned him
She said that they met through his mom and it initially was about music
Then the conversations switched
She told me she'd never felt this way before

It was totally different than the frustrated conversation we've had
How all guys were the same
How this guy was super shady
This one treated her like dirt

There was this light in her eyes
This smile on her face
This skip in her heart

They are adorable together as you can see
She makes him laugh
He makes her blush
They make me happy

I can't wait to see what's next for them both
I can't wait for to see her smile like that even more
I can't wait for my friend to get all that she deserves and more!

<3 you Meghan!

Beautiful Broken World

2010-10-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This is a total "stream of consciousness" or "word vomit" entry. You have been warned :)

Why do we hate different?

This is something that has been rolling around in my head for quite sometime. It's as though no one ever wants to have their thoughts or narrow views challenged. Anything that is outside of the perceived norm is automatically less worthy, and subject to ridicule. Should you be one of those who is on the outside you become the object of wrath and not understanding. Rights are challenged under the guise of justice, beauty is rejected because of "preference," and equality is dismissed because of history. Being different means you will have to consistently fight to have your voice heard, your liberties protected and your existence affirmed. From my own personal experience of being an amalgam of different it's exhausting.

You don't want to always have to be the champion of this, that or the other. Always working hard to be properly represented and be that example of why different is not bad. Wondering if you are being judged because of the difference, held up as an example of the difference or just appreciated for being you. The guarded comments, the oft glances and the nods of reassurance when a comment is made or worse yet.. words
not used.. because the different is in the room... it gets old.

"But you are not like _____. When we say that we are not talking about you, it's them"

No! you are talking about me. You are using that word in a slang sense or making that joke but you are still talking about me. The only difference is you know me so I don't really count.. but I do. Instead of making me the exception, how about making me the rule. How about you apply all that you know about me, or any other person who is different than you, to your closed off perceptions and instead of the judgments and the like you give them the same respect you show to the "differents" you know.

All of that is much easier said than done. I know that for every positive example of a person there will be an equal number, if not more so, of people who are terrible examples of a particular race, gender, shape, sexual orientation, physical handicap, mental handicap etc, etc, etc. Regardless of good or bad example, is it entirely possible to try to get to actually know the person before the walls come up because they don't fit into your potentially ill conceived world view?

Settle Down

2010-09-27T21:47:00.000-07:00

It's been all about books, tea, movies and music tonight
I'm trying to settle down

Great things have happened and are happening
I just have not taken the time to take it in

It's time to be refueled
It's time to be refilled
It's time to just breathe
I just need to settle down

Introverts are collectors of thoughts, and solitude is where the collection is curated and rearranged to make sense of the present and future.

Changing of the Seasons

2010-09-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

It's officially fall, even though it does not feel like it. :)

I'm ready for the leaves to change
I'm ready for cooler days
I'm ready for sweaters and hoodies
I'm ready for bonfires and s'mores
I'm ready for Halloween and my birthday
I'm ready for early mornings and hot tea
I'm ready for more adventures and songs like these

Little Bird – Elizabeth Mitchell

MP3 search on MP3hunting

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 14

2010-09-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

Boy howdy!

14 days, 14 faces

I started this thing almost under direst for a bunch of different reasons
I did not wanna face my face for 2 weeks
I did not have much to say
I did not know what the end would be

Now 14 days later
I'm still tired of seeing my face :)
Others are not though
People seem to like this thing I'm doing
This little experiment
This amalgam of faces and stories

For this last face I thought I would be pretty straight forward
No long narrative
No magical thing
Just.. me
I like that.

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 13

2010-09-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

I spent about 2 hours after a long work day finishing up my room.
It was in desperate need of some slight re-decorations and some cleaning
My clothes have gotten the best of me and had taken over the floor.

After I was done I had a couple of slices of pizza curled up in my freshly made bed
and started in on a book. I think it was well-deserved.

Wow! It's the home stretch. One more entry and I should be done, or should I?
I'm going to let you folks decide. Should I keep going with in photos etc, or should I move onto the next project. Comment here or "like" on Facebook.

The Melody of a Memory

2010-09-12T18:18:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend last night about music and how much of an impact it has had on both us. We both have those songs that take us right back to a specific place and time. Those songs are a reminder of love, loss, beauty and no matter when we hear it or how long it's been that memory is still fresh.

It was the summer after my brother was murdered and I was back at school. My roommate had left that spring but did not get a chance to get all her furniture and belongings out for a few months. The apartment was pretty vacant and I did not have a tv, or computer so I would spend my days after class and work sitting on the floor listening to music and reading lyrics. I took an album a day and would just sit and read song after song.

I had heard this particular song a bunch of times and had seen these guys play live a great deal. The song was always worshipful to me but that afternoon it became one of the most transformative songs I'd ever heard. I played it about 5 times that afternoon just sobbing because I felt like he knew my whole families story. His words became my prayer and it's how I made it through that summer. I think I played it for all my friends multiple times and whenever I saw POD play live it was my worship.

Over the next year I got a chance to thank the lead singer for sharing his heart and for speaking to mine through this song. He was so appreciative and encouraging to me through our conversation. That summer at Cornerstone they were playing main stage and when they played this song live within the first 2 chords I was taken back to my apartment a year ago and cried like a baby. My friend Judy prayed that I would always remember that moment, remember what God had done and that promise I made to him. She prayed that whenever I heard that song I would never lost it's impact.

Last night when we were talking about music I recalled that story and looked it up to show my friend. It'd been a good 8 years since I'd actually heard the song and I really had moved on from that time in my life and that genre but last night hearing that song brought it all back again. It's still my prayer and it has even deeper significance because I know that maybe sometime, sooner than I would like, I may be listening to it again.

I cry why O' why did my mommy have to die?
Too many questions, no answers confuses my mind
Like what did I do, what did she do, who's to blame
No one understands what I'm going through
So how can I trust what I can't touch and can't see
Believe in love and she's in front of me
Silence in your eyes, my heart so cold
No time for goodbyes, then you leave me alone

So what do I do accept it and carry on?
Or release my anger, until it's gone
Show you and this world exactly how I feel death in full color
It's never been so real, It's been me and you, It's always been me and you
No matter what we faced, we always made it through
Get out of this dream, do what I gotta do
No one can take your place and I don't want them to
If I could take your place, I would, I would take your pain
Just to see you smile and say my name,
Just to hear you laugh and hear you cry
I don't understand, I don't know why

I've never been it this state of mind, life just don't make sense
With you I could move mountains, right now I'm helpless
I guess, you always knew what was best
Believed in your God, til the very last breath
You showed me how strong you can be
If Jesus saved your life, could he do it for me?
I'll lay down my life for you and for Him
Believe God's promise, I'm gonna see you again

Lord here I am, but I am no one, Believe in Your name
Believe in your Son, if you meet me here I will wait on you
Sacrifice and serve, do what you want me to
I'll take it day by day, and sit at your feet
You are strong when I am weak
I seek to keep from going under
Until I hold you again, I'll always wonder

Why did my mommy have to Die?
[repeats]

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 12

2010-09-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

This is a piece that my dear friend,Katie,did of me based off of a photo that another beloved friend, Kristin, took of myself and her daughter Ella.

When I posted this on Facebook the response was amazing but this comment stuck out to me

"O.K I cried looking at this picture. That's always how I picture you Jaime. The Mother Heart of God....yeah baby!"

-Dale Nester

The mother heart of God part stuck. It just kept ringing in my head for the past month. Someone even had a similar word for me hoping that I would feel and experience the tears of the Father. To know more than anything that I am loved. I could not place why both comments had such an impact. Something about both were just so comforting.

I was holding baby Ellery tonight during worship and it started to click. Rocking her back and forth and singing to her made me appreciate how much we are loved. How God must feel when he looks over us, he just can't help but to fall head over heels for each and every one of us. All that love, that mother heart, that compassion, that connection clicked.

I want to be in that spot, experiencing the mother heart of God. Knowing beyond anything and everything that I'm his kid. It's the identity that matters the most to me.

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

~Zephaniah 3:17

You Won't Relent by Ron Hunter

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 11

2010-09-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago we did a Photo Phunday.

Three friends, three cameras.. general shenanigans

We decided to play with long exposure and paint with light.

I dig this photo for a bunch of reasons

The main one.. 'cause it's me

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 10

2010-09-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

It's one of my favorite places to be
I really love getting the chance to document life
I really really love chasing those smiles
I love catching those moments
I love writing a story with a picture

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 9

2010-09-09T22:26:00.001-07:00

I get joked on a lot about me being a night owl. I tend to still be awake when most are fast asleep. Sometimes I'm having those deeper conversations that tend to happen after 11. Other times it's because a movie or TV show I really wanted to watch came on late. But really most of the time I'm awake because there is work that needs to be done,ideas begging to be written out or a book I just can't put down. Nights like these are a bit more commonplace.

I am finding that sitting at the dining room table, music video channel playing in the background, with all my stuff strewn in front of me is really refreshing. The phone is not ringing, I don't have any looming responsibilities. I can take a deep breath and create, glean inspiration from all over and lull myself to sleep.

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 8

2010-09-08T21:47:00.001-07:00

I'm just not feeling it today.
It's not been a terrible day by any stretch
Just not feelin' it
Taught tonight.. did not feel good about that

Tried to take a photo... that was a series of mishaps
Leading to me loosing the photo I loved

Meh... to quote Scarlett.. Tomorrow is another day.

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An Experiment of Faces.. Day 7

2010-09-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

Day 7... 7 days down.. 7 days to go.

I have learned a few things so far

1-self-portraits without a tripod = difficult

2-the creativity for these is there, the time.. that is limited

3-my confidence has not taken a hit.. it's actually been strengthened

4- the realization of number 3 actually took a couple of troubling events over the past couple of days for me to really see that strength.

Speaking of confidence :)

This was taken on a particularly confident day.

I loved my outfit and was really diggin' my sassy new hair do

This was also taken 6 months into my training sessions with JB

I think of all that is evident in this photo

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 6

2010-09-06T20:09:00.000-07:00

I used to say that I was born in the wrong decade.

I have a huuuge crush on all things vintage

I'm actually getting pin-up photos done very very soon and I could not be more excited.

I thought I would play around a bit a few weeks ago and see what I'd look like as a pin-up.

I think it turned out pretty well!

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 5

2010-09-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

(Dunno if this is going to be cheating but I don't have a new photo today, but still wanted to have a little fun. )

Meet my doppelganger:

I've been told we look alike for years and I could kinda see it but not really.. that is until I took this photo.

Crazy huh!?

Here is what is even nuttier.... in 2001 People Magazine listed her as one of People's 50 most beautiful people.

All these years I've hated myself and not only is someone walking around looking like my twin, but she's one of the "beautiful people"

....innnteresting.. no!?

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 4

2010-09-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

...and now it's story time!!!

After my shoot today I wound up here

This truly is not my favorite place to be, buuuut it beat the alternative.

...mainly because they play this....

About 10 minutes into my experience I realised that I did not have a set of these

Now! smooth jazz is one thing.. smooth jazz without headphones is, in one word,

I tried to be a trooper... really tried to concentrate on what I was doing and held off for as long as I could. Then I could not take it anymore, I blame this guy

(He makes me sooo angry... I mean look at him! *stupid smooth jazz*)

An hour into this torture i could not take it anymore and I tore up my car and finally found them!!!

Peace was restored in the land and I lived happily ever after...

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 3.

2010-09-03T22:43:00.001-07:00

1:43 am....
i wanted to be in bed hours ago
i never wanted to get out of bed this morning
sleeping in sunday is going to be one of the best! things! ever!

thursday night i was talking to a friend about words
how certain words or certain sentiments can screw up everything
i told her about the names i'd been called over the years
i told her about the words said even a couple of days prior

some were intentionally meant to wound
others i think were said out of ignorance
no matter what the root cause they stick
today.. for reasons i hate.. they stuck

they piled up over top of me
i had a terrible time getting out from under

i usually laugh them off
laugh first or be laughed at
i usually give grace for the ignorant
finding some fault in myself instead of shouting out their mistake

when i took my picture today it was more about the words
i faded in the background
each time i took a shot i kept thinking about how i'm more than the words
yeah, they suck, yeah they still happen but i'm not those words

i can see beyond the words and know who i am
i hope that those who know me.. hell even those who don't would too
that they'd see who i actually am
think for a second
see what i possess and not measure how much i have

i'm not the loser
i'm not the baboon butt
no.. i can't take her in a fight
no.. i'm not desperate
i'm not too much
i'm not less than just because i'm more than
i'm not any less worthy
i'm not any less beautiful

tomorrow is another day and it'll be better
today.. tonight.. however.. i just needed to vent

The 5 People Project Part 4: We are blessed, we endure

2010-09-03T21:37:00.000-07:00

After I spent some time with Tiffy I finally saw a couple bands that had caught my ear earlier in the week. I did an impromptu shoot with Erin and spent the rest of the day relaxing (relaxation is a relative term when you're in the middle of a pig field in July with no central air, so we'll just say that I spent a lot of time in tents drinking smoothies). That night Leanor and I made plans to see a few bands but last minute we decided to head back to the dorms via a Taco Bell drive-thru.

I'd actually grown to love that time driving back and forth with Leanor. Two of the nights we got sort of lost, another involved a late night Wal-Mart trip and this night it was Taco Bell. Really it's not like we painted the town red and had these zany adventures, but that is what is so great about my best friend; the mundane was absolutely fabulous.

See as much as this trip was part of a long string of adventures for me, it was really started because I wanted to spend time with Leanor. This festival carries such significance because she was there through most of my years. It's really where we started our friendship and each year after that it grew over pasta dinners, dance parties, and crazy golf cart rides.

I think we were both in our early 20's when I approached her at the fest. We met the year prior and I would see her around when her band toured the area and I had Rock 4 Life tables set up. We'd talk a lot and giggle that much more and I always thought she was awesome; actually I was a little star struck because she was in one of my favorite bands but that quickly faded after we crossed paths a few times. Five Iron was playing Underground that year and also recording their live album, so a set that would have normally been an hour or so was a couple hours at least. I was back stage singing every lyric and dancing to every beat. It was when Reese was sharing his heart with the crowd and leading us in "Every New Day" that something shifted. The entire tent joined in on a worship song and I could not stop looking at Leanor. There was something about her, during that time she was in her own little world and I could tell that this time was for God;it was not to show off, this was her genuine time to sing out to the Father.

After the band stepped off the stage and the kids cleared out a little, I mustered up a little courage and asked if we could hang out the next day. I had no idea why or even what we would talk about, I just knew she was someone I had to get to know better. The next day came and through a series of comedic events I got stood up but we wound up getting together anyway and that's really how it all started for both of us. There were letters from when she was on the road and tour adventures when she came into town. I always had a blast with her and she was such an encouragement to me in everything.

We've bonded over similar tragedies (we've both lost our brothers very suddenly) and grown from these young ladies to these women. She's gotten married and has 2 beautiful children and I've gone from ministry to bitterness and back again. I've visited her a couple of times in Denver and she came to see me this past year but Cornerstone 2010 was the first time, in a long time where it was just us.

Our conversations ran the gamut that week from ministry stories to frustrations with life. One night we hashed out my entire dating history that included my crazy comedic flair and her whole body laugh. Each conversation left both of us finding out so much about the other person and by night 3 it dawned on me that who better to tell me a story than her.

She told me about her last tour with the band and their final show. They played two nights in their home town and both shows were packed out. I believe the entire farewell tour was full house after full house. Leanor told me that at that last show she looked out on the crowd and realised how awesome it was to see the impact of Five Iron's ministry on all these kids. People traveled from all over the world to see this band play and for Leanor seeing all this joy and love was really amazing. Five Iron was not the best band in the world but over the years they went from ordinary to extraordinary and each one of them was used in some capacity to impact so many lives. Thankfully I am one of them, and I am so grateful that through Five Iron I met one of my best friends.

Over the course of the fest this year I was struck by how amazing Leanor is. She listened to fans talk and really listened. It was not just lip service but she genuinely took in their words and offered as much support as she could. I watched as she would take the time to pray for people and offer advice and encouragement. Leanor still inspires me daily in her devotion and support. I wanna be just like her when I grow up.

Leanor, Thanks would not even cover it. I dunno what words ever will. You have been such an incredible blessing to me and I am totally blown away by any time we spend together. Thanks for being my soul mate and reminding me how amazing life can be.

I <3 you!!

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 2.

2010-09-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

It's 24 hours later, I just finished writing something for my other project and realised I still needed to show my face. It's kinda been the pulse of the day today, 1/2 through something else I remember the other thousand things I needed to do.

Today was hectic.. today was frustrating.. today was not what I wanted.
I couldn't even really focus on how to convey all that emotion, because really.. I don't want to dwell on any of it, actually thinking about what face to show added a bit to my frustration.

It's late, I'm tired, I'm in bed.. the angle is not perfect.. my face is not made up.. heck! my hair is out of place. I tried all sorts of different spots and decided to just stop trying and maybe come back to this whole thing later.

Then I saw this

...and my face did this

..so i decided to keep it!

Even with all the crap of the day.. it does not take a whole lot to make me smile.
So I choose to keep smilin'

*cue cheesy song about smiling*

Day 2 down.. 12 more to go

Maybe the next one will involve more than just my chaotic room! :)

The 5 People Project Part 3:Beautiful, I Just Want You to Know ...

2010-09-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

I spent a good deal of the afternoon, after talking with Stacey, spending time with some pretty fantastic people. The following morning I was pretty worn out, I've realised over the years that by personality I am a bit more of an introvert and after all the hanging out and time with people I needed to recharge.We got to the grounds that morning;Leanor and I planned our day and she went on to do her interviews. I sat in the car listening to a cd, thinking about home and my own next steps.

With eyes closed I started to pray and ask some questions. Did I have a place at home anymore, could I just travel forever, what is it I was being shown through the stories and things I'd seen thus far, what was I missing. The music filled the car and one song lyric pierced through clearer than anything; "Everything beautiful in me is you."

Something about those lyrics calmed all the anxiety in me. It caused me to breathe easier and actually cry. Tears came easier in that moment and not for any other reason than thankfulness for how God had provided, all the beautiful things I had experienced..the complete freedom. I prayed a bit more, asking God to open my eyes, to speak clearly. A few minutes later a familiar face showed up in the side mirror; it was my stunning friend Tiffany.

Tiffany is another friend I met through the festival and the internet. Since I'd seen her years ago I was always captivated by her. Tiffy is such a contagious personality, from her smile and her amazing talent to her desire to be as close to the heart of the Father as possible. Wherever Tiffy is, you just want to be part. Truth be told we'd only really spoken a handful of times face to face but you'd never know it. We've shared a similar story and in her I have found a sister. As with the others when I saw her that day I just knew that she had a story.

I called her over to the car,she hopped in and we talked. We caught up on life over the past year. We shared our frustrations about who/what we are and reconciling that with who/what we thought we were. I think we were in the car a couple of hours before I told her about the project and when I asked if she wanted to be part, there was no hesitation. We met up the next day,sat in the grass and talked.

She told me the story of her baptism, and what lead to that point. A little while before Tiffy, her brother Tyler, and her mother Valerie lost Tiffy's father quite unexpectedly. I know it was a rough time for the family and for Tiffy personally, she felt alone and isolated for a bit and managed to retreat into safe places. Over time she started to put her life back together and found this incredible church, her faith was re-ignited and she really wanted to take the next step and get baptized.

They decided to do a punk rock baptism where you kneel in the parking lot and water is poured over your head. Tiffy told me how special that day was to her and how connected she felt to her church, which had become her family. She told me that as she looked around the group encircling her she could see and feel the love from this crowd and at that moment she felt the most joy she'd had in quite some time.

As she told me this story I kept thinking about that song lyric and how beautiful my friend is. How her eyes lit up recounting that story and the smile that came so easily to her face. I could not help but think about my own baptism and how perfect that moment was for me. In hearing her story I was shown once again how God provides for the cries of our heart, for Erin he reminded her that she was special, for Stacey she was reminded of what grieves his heart, and for Tiffy he gave her the connection and the extended family that she had been missing. These stories were that much more impactful when I looked at them through that lens.

Tiffy, I love you dearly! Thank you for being such a role model to me! Thank you for loving with all you have!!

An Experiment of Faces.. Day 1.

2010-09-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

Last night at my huddle I was chatting about my ongoing acceptance of who I am. God truly has been speaking to me for the past year about my beauty, my identity, and my worth. It's taken over a year of some painful unraveling of all I have known and had ingrained in me to get me to a point of not just accepting myself but really enjoying who I am.

In all of this progression and change I have started to actually see myself.. accurately. I'm not that surprised anymore about how I look, I'm more fascinated by this new, to me, face. These new brighter eyes and smile. The curve of my nose and how my eyebrows arch just so. I guess you can say I am enamored by my own face. I'm seeing what everybody has seen and it's no surprise to them.. but to me it's a whole new world.

I was challenged to take this new fascination and document it. Each day for the next 14 days I'm going to be posting photos of my face. Now just so this is not an exercise in narcissism, they are not going to all be the above the head.. super flattering angle myspace photos.. they may not be perfect.. they may not be happy but it's where I am that day.

So to start this whole thing off.. Here is picture 1:

I!Am!Exhausted!

I really just wanna go to sleep and stay in my bed.. with my teddy bear.. for the next couple of days.

The 5 People Project Part 2: My Friends Look out for Me Like Family

2010-08-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

After I talked to and hung out with Erin I had actually hit a wall. I really had not met any new people nor was I drawn to anyone in particular. To say I was frustrated was an understatement, I was actually more angry with myself and my not seeing anything. I kept thinking I was not listening hard enough or that the whole experiment was an abject failure and then I was reminded of something, really I was reminded of someone; Stacey.

She was the first person I saw when I got to the first merch tent. Stacey gave me the biggest hug and started to cry. I had not seen her in about 3 years and although we really only hung out twice when we first met and chatted off and on since then she's always been on my mind. When she hugged me that day it was like no time had passed and to be honest I got a little choked up myself. Something about that moment stuck with me days later and I realised in the midst of my frustration that she was the 2nd person. I said a quick prayer that I would see her again and about 10 mins later she was walking towards me through the food court and I had the assurance I needed.

When I told Stacey about the project and my plans she agreed but was a bit unsure about what story she would have to share. We met up the next day and she told me her story. Stacey told me about a missions trip she had gone on shortly after we met. She painted faces and hung out with kids who were in terribly poor conditions but it really did not have the impact on her that she expected. She left the trip not devastated by the plight of the kids but more her not really being moved at all.

Back at home Stacey began to pray and fast that God break her heart for the kids, that her heart be broken for the poor and the fatherless. Her next trip there she was completely transformed and could feel the heart of God for them. It was almost overwhelming to feel so much pain. Towards the end of this trip the team got a chance to go to the dumps where many of the kids lived and were asked to grab a token that would remind them of their time there in ministry and the kids who called this place home. Stacey found a metal spoon amidst the piles and took it home. To this day it remains in her living room as a reminder of the heart God re-ignited within her and the time she spent.

Seeing Stacey tell this story and watching as her eyes filled with emotion showed me more about my friend than the actual story itself. Stacey has such a kind spirit and gentle heart and she desires so much to change this world for the better. Our conversation drifted to a bunch of other topic from where she is in her own life and how she wants to raise her daughter and I understood her heart even more. I think we both shed a whole bunch of tears during the course of our conversations that day. Mine were tears of joy for being reunited with a friend and a knowledge of God's heart for her and his desire to bring healing. It was one of the sweetest times for me at the festival and I finally got it.

This project was not just about meeting new people, snapping a picture and moving on. This project was about taking the time to listen; listen to where God may be leading and to the voices of the loved ones around me.

Stacey,
Thanks so much for spending time with me and for sharing your heart with me. I still stand by all I said by those picnic tables. I'm proud of you and the mother you have become to Sophia. Keep rockin' on that trumpet !! <3 you!!

The 5 People Project Part 1: I Can Tell that We are Gonna be Friends.

2010-08-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

It was the 2nd day of the fest when I met Erin. Leanor and I had decided to grab a drink at one of the coffee shop/stage tents and while she went to talk to a friend I grabbed a seat and started photographing what I saw around me. When I looked over my shoulder I saw this young lady with a old school film camera and I was instantly intrigued. I complimented her camera and knew from the get go that she was the 1st person I was to meet and learn their story.

We clicked pretty quickly and talked camera stuff for a little bit. There were giggles and introductions to new friends and it kind of felt like we'd known each other for a bit longer than just an hour. I told her about my project and she was totally on board. We agreed to meet the following day and chat. The next day in the middle of the food court we picked up where we left off and she told me her story.

Erin and a few friends have been traveling and performing together this summer. One of their stops was at this one of a kind restaurant in Knoxville TN called King Tut's. It was highly recommended and after hearing this story I can totally see why.

The place was really nothing to look at, not the poshest place in the world and in fact some would call it a dive. They had phoned before they got there to see if Mo, the owner, was around. His wife said he'd run out for an errand but they were welcome to come anyway. When they got there the place was empty except for a couple, Mo's wife and an older 93 year old gentleman sitting in the corner reading a paper. The old man see's them and as they sat next to him he showed them his scrapbook of 93 years. It was filled with stories and photos and he recounted so many of them while they waited for Mo to show.

Once Mo arrived it was time to order. The group discussed it and Casey suggested they try the Mo's special. It was decided and they told Mo, he declares it's a Mo's Special and instantly this place transformed from a restaurant to a full fledged party. There was a disco ball and the old man put some 80's dance records on the record player. Mo danced with everyone and grabbed Erin's hand to take her on the dance floor. At that moment Erin tells me she felt so completely free, accepted and loved. The night progressed on and there was champagne and masks and one of the best times Erin has had in awhile.

I asked Erin what she took away from this experience and she told me that she learned to live life. Both Mo and the older man immigrated to the US many many years ago and absolutely love this country. Whenever younger people come they want to celebrate and live life. The 93 year old's scrapbook was incredibly detailed and beautiful, his stories equally so. Just hearing Erin re-tell the story made me so thankful for the adventures I have had and will continue to have, hopefully well into my 90's.

Over the course of the week I got a chance to spend more time with Erin and she is such a fantastic gal. So open and loving, full of talent and depth. I'm so excited I took that step and said hello. Getting to know her for the short time I have and hearing more about her life has spoken volumes to me about my next steps and what it means to take some risks.

Erin,
Thanks for sharing not just a fabulous story but a slice of your life. You're an awesome gal and I can't wait to make it down your way for more fun and to experience King Tut's with you :)

Away We Go! Part 2: C-stone Life!

2010-08-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

*dusts off journal*

I had no idea it would take me this long to get back into the swing of writing and telling the story of my trip almost 2 months ago. Truly I think it has taken me some time to process it all and also to just muster up the desire to tell the tales. I have talked and talked and talked about it so much that it's shine got lost. I think finally it's coming back and it's time to share with you all again.

I think to further understand the who, where, how and why of Cornerstone I should talk a bit about the culture of the festival. This culture is so clutch to the stories I shared and were shared with me. This culture is so clutch to where I am in my life and in some ways it's shaped my own views of what church should look like.

The culture of Cornerstone is really not like anything I have seen in the "real world." Music is a constant of course but it's just something different. There is this overall spirit of unity and generosity that is just so evident from the moment you get there. Kids hanging out near their campsites playing music or starting spontaneous dance parties any time of day. Different cliques sitting down together sharing their lives together openly, praying for one another. It's actually not uncommon to see signs along the road of people giving away food and open invites to dinners on the grounds.

A couple has a spaghetti dinner a few days during the festival and anyone can come. When they first came to the festival years ago, like so many others, they had no food and very little to no money to make it through the week. Someone offered them a meal and since then they have done the same. I finally made my way down there this year, it was so much fun. Lines of kids were there patiently waiting and striking up conversations with each other while others played games. It was really a beautiful slice of what community can and should look like.

There is a freedom in being a part of all of this that is hard to ignore and even harder to escape. Sometimes it can be overwhelming because it is too much, too much music, too much scene, too much God, but somehow it works. You look forward to the too much, you look forward to no sleep and tons of bands, you look forward to being hot and sweaty. You look forward to the endless worship sets and the lectures. You look forward to the kids that may try a little to hard to fit in and the dudes who are still rocking mullets. All of those elements are part of the experience, a time to hang out with your extended family and to be inspired by the hearts and stories that reside there.

Next up.. Erin's Story!!!

Away We Go! Part 1 ... Now Where the Heck did You go again?

2010-07-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

I figured I would start off with the story that sparked all the other ones. What the heck is this festival and why was I so stoked to get there. So let's get started.

Since I was in college when I first heard about Cornerstone I wanted to go. All the bands that I loved played there and each summer we would talk about it and it would never happen. Then one year my friend Mia and I decided we would make the trek. How we got there is a story and a half and promise I will talk about it one of these days. Just know that it involved message boards, having to stay in a strangers house overnight, a sixteen hour trip that wound up taking almost a day, flagging down the cops.. I could go on but you get the picture.

Once we got there and after sleeping in the back of a pick up truck we saw this place we had hyped up over the year. When the sun rose we really saw it.. the two hundred plus acre pig farm that would be our home for the next five days. The whole trip was a blast, it was non stop music, conversations, art, worship,God encounters and dust. Being at the fest showed me that there were so many Christians who listened to what I did, saw the world the same way, and wanted to impact culture the same way. I felt free there and knew that it would be a constant in my life. After that I went every year for seven straight and each time I brought someone new and had tons more stories and experiences.

Each of those years were so different than the ones before or to come. I would come home dusty, congested, exhausted, and hoarse but counting the days till I got back there. Counting the miles it took to get there and the states that lay in between. Counting the memories I was sure to have and the episodes of space madness sure to happen because we were too tired to keep driving but too determined to stop.

There is something about this place that entrances so many folks. I've seen relationships start on the road that leads to the main gate. There have been two weddings I have had the honor of attending and countless new friendships made. I even met and bonded with two of my best friends while standing under striped tents listening to bands and giggling.

The past couple of years I did not make it to the festival and I missed it. Summers were a little different almost not as bright. This year all it took was one phone call from one of my dearest friends saying she was going and I was more than ready to go. I was ready to spend a week in a dust bowl soaking in all the music and culture. It's like seeing family and after a couple of years away I knew it was time to come "home"

So that's where and why I went..

Up Next: The Culture of Cornerstone

It's Story Time!!!

2010-07-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

I have been back from Cornerstone for about a week and have had a chance to process all that happened and more importantly catch up on my sleep. Now that I am back to almost 100% I can get to the business of telling stories, mine and theirs. Let me start out by introducing you to 4 out of the 5 people who were awesome enough to do the 5 person project. The 5th person I know who it is I just have not spoken with them so know that the last person is coming. :)

Without further ado.. here they are..

Erin

Leanor

Stacey

Tiffany

C'mon Feel the Illinois

2010-07-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

....Keep your eyes peeled!

More Streams

2010-07-04T13:03:00.001-07:00

A- I have shed more tears of joy in the past 6 days than I can remember

B- There is always something about the festival that inspires me every single time. Each year it's something different and this year is no exception.

C- Along with the tears of joy there's been a lot of laughs, and I mean the loud hearty you wind up snorting laughs!

D- I'm blown away by the amount of crappy pop songs I know. I think I'm on hour four of listening only to the radio.

E- Sometimes the voice of God shines through your best friend. <3 you Leanor!!!

F- I can actually survive without my journal attached to my hip.

G- My GPS has a really good eye for quaint little towns.

H- I still think this car is magic and I'm totally ok with that

class='blogium-promo'>Posted from Blogium for iPhone

Streams

2010-06-30T08:40:00.001-07:00

1-I think this car is magic...475 miles on one tank is the stuff of legend!!!

2- The aux jack in a car... best thing ever. That 7 dollar cable has saved my life

3- Conquering West Va and driving into Ohio listening to Metallica may just be the baddest entrance into a state I've ever done! ( Gimmie fuel, gimmie fire... gimmie that which I desire!!!)

4- It's possible to car dance for 3 hours straight...

5- I'm looking at landscapes more and more like backdrops. Creation is so gorgeous

6- I'm amazed still at how a smile and a kind word can change a persons entire countenance.

The 5 People Project

2010-06-29T00:58:00.000-07:00

I'm headed out of town in 12 super short hours, with 2 bags, 30 hours worth of music, 800 miles one way, 3 days of live music and thousands of thoughts to keep me company. I'm excited to get this show on the road and start this journey, it's one of the first and surely not the last trip of its kind for me. I have always wanted to document trips like this, take my time maybe take some back roads and get to know this country I live in a bit better. When the opportunity came up to do this trip there was no hesitation for me, this was the perfect time for me to continue on with this "go do" philosophy I've had all year. I'd been thinking for months and months about what I wanted to do with this trip and finally the thought hit me back in March to not just get to know the landscape on this trip but to get to know people.

I really feel like each person has a story and that it needs to be told. Each one of our stories has the power to bring about healing, for those who are sharing it and for all of us who are hearing it. Unfortunately we don't really set aside the time to either tell or hear story. We get too busy or are too concerned with making it through that we just don't create the space for that connection. Since this trip is all about making space I really want to use it to get to know people and find out their story and share it with others. With all this in mind I really feel that part of this trip is going to be dedicated to something I am calling "The 5 People Project".. clever huh ;)

What this project will be is just me getting together with 5 people over a meal or a cup of coffee and finding out their story. A moment of joy where nothing else mattered, a moment of fear, a moment of hope, a moment of sadness. I want to know more than just their name and what they do, I want to know who they are and why they smile. I want to take their portrait, and share their story with you under the hopes that you too will get to know some of the fabulous aspects of this country right along with me. How this is going to work... ya know I am not totally sure, I just know that I'll know the person I need to spend time with when I see them.

So how can you help...

1- Prayer is paramount. The reality is I am a girl traveling a super long distance on my own and I am well aware of the potential of things happening.

2-Communication :). I mean shoot me a message, leave me a comment, give me a call or shoot me a text. I totally enjoy the times I have in the car with me, the music, the open road, and my prayers but occasionally a little hi would be rad .

3-Questions. This is just as important as the prayer thing. If you were to meet someone what would you want to know about them other than their resume :)

Yup! That's it.. what I am up to for the next week. Thanks for reading, praying and giving me questions. I know a lot of my friends are from all over and don't worry. I will make my way to each of you soon!!! <3

Why I Love Toddlers

2010-06-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

This is Gwen

This is Gwen when we asked her if she wanted to touch mommie's belly

I mean seriously, what's not to love!?

Check back tomorrow to find out a bit more about this awesome family and the time I got to spend with them.

Happy Father's Day or How Homer Simpson Taught Me How to Love My Dad

2010-06-20T20:02:00.000-07:00

That's me and my dad when I was about 6. I love my dad to pieces, but truth be told it took a bit to get to this place. My friends know I call my dad Homer and that I think of myself as Lisa and it's really for good reason. Had it not been for that cartoon I don't know if I'd be able to really appreciate my dad for who he is and love him all the same.

See my dad has not always been my favorite person. He was never around much when I was growing up because he was always working and when he was he spent most of his time with his buddies and drinking.. a lot. He was also into gambling and doing drugs add to that my dad's ladies man status and I'm sure you get the picture. My parents fought more than they made up and most of the time it was just me and my mom.

I remember when my parents split up for the summer and that conversation I had with dad on the porch. He reassured me he would always love me and that things happen. I remember playing with the hem of my nightgown quietly sobbing because we had to leave. He told me that night he would visit every weekend and he kept his word. He'd come every weekend that summer and we'd go places and hang out. There were drag races and tractor pulls, company picnics, Kings Dominon with friends all types of stuff. At the end of that summer my parents decided to work it out and we moved back home and some things went back to normal but for that summer I knew what it was like to be the apple of my dad's eye.

I got older and we drifted more and more apart. I became a Christian and things with both of my parents were hard. I saw them as lacking all I had in this life and they were my little projects. It was all about saving their souls and silently cataloging their faults, especially my dad. I think the first 3 years I was a believer I spent a great deal of time asking God why he stuck me with this family and how come I never had what my friends did, this perfect Christian home where "Butterfly Kisses" was the soundtrack of their relationship. Then my brother died...

When my brother died and then my mom's subsequent health problems started I saw my dad grow up. He'd gotten his drinking under control and had stopped drugs and gambling all together. He spent more time at home and was trying to be the head of the household. I was too busy growing up to really appreciate this shift and had actually found spiritual father figures who treated me like I always wanted to be treated. It's not that I hated my dad, I had just seen him as who he was when I was a kid and not this guy he was really working on becoming.

I think it was about 3 years ago when he called and told me that they thought he had cancer. I don't think I'd ever been so afraid of the potential of losing both parents and that the one I thought was invincible could be gone. I prayed a lot during that time for both my parents but mainly dad and realised how different he was than years prior. I also watched the Simpsons every night and started seeing so many similarities between my dad and Homer. Both guys are lovable, well intentioned guys who just continually get themselves into these messes but you can't help but to love them. Then I saw a couple of episodes that centered around the relationship between Homer and Lisa and it all clicked.

Homer would do anything for his little girl sometimes she needed to rescue him. They do not always understand each other but he loves that little girl all the same. He makes her giggle and supports every dream and hair brained scheme she has. He encourages her and never laughs at her intelligence or belittles her in any way. He'll watch the ballet with her even though he'd rather be watching the fight. He'll cook her a vegetarian meal even though he loves his steak. My dad does all those things for me and despite everything in the past I can't help but to love the guy.

So to my Homer.. thanks for all you do! I love ya daddy :)

Model the Good

2010-06-18T06:12:00.000-07:00

One of the things I really am blessed by are my friends. I can safely say I know some of the best people on the planet, they are all such encouragements and possess this beauty that I marvel at all the time. I think more people should know about these folks I am blessed to call friends so I thought it was time I introduced you to a few.

First up are Jake and Kristin Seward.

If you have read this blog over the past year you've seen them.. a lot! See they have this kid that I enjoy photographing from time to time. I'm sure you've seen her, she has a couple of other names, Ella, Ella-bug, and sometimes just... Bug. She's a real cutie and if you have not met her yet run over and see all the cuteness , while you go do that I'll chill here 'till you are done! *whistles* *does a dance*

Awesome sooo you're back.. see told you she was super adorable. You can see why she stole my heart the moment I met her. Really.. her mom and dad did that too! They are quite a fantastic couple and anyone whose met them would say the same.

I've know Jake and Kristin for a couple of years and if there is one word I could use to describe them it would be warm. They are two of the most welcoming people I have met. I don't know if there was ever a "get to know you phase" that we went through, there was just a meeting and a knowledge that I was totally welcome in their little family. Every time I see them or spend time with them I come away with a pretty big smile and some things to really think on. Jake is an arm chair theologian so there are tons of deep and rich insight on the heart and nature of the church and God. Kristin has this insight on people and this heart for them that is just awesome. She speaks truth in situation that are really convoluted and is quick to encourage and promote the good things.

Just from watching them over the past year I have seen this beautiful transition from a couple to a family unit that collaborates creatively, spiritually, and philanthropically. They are raising Ella to have that same heart and I know that she too will love people with that same heart and show them the very good things life has to offer. I'm excited to see what's next for this family and the treasures they unearth as time passes.

Guys.. I know you read these blogs so know that I love you all very very much and thanks for what you've shown me just by your presence not just in my life but in all of those around you.

Poise or That Thing That Transforms Girls into Ladies

2010-06-17T06:21:00.000-07:00

I've known her since she was a lanky teen
She hung out with the cool homeschoolers
Who really were some of the coolest kids I'd ever meet
We'd pray together and laugh.. alot

There were midnight trips to desolates strips of beach
Shows and rallies and meetings
Pillow fights and slumber parties
Gushing about boys while being equally frustrated at them

Over time she grew
Blossomed really
Lanky teen to an elegant woman
Eyes that sparkle and a heart.. wow her heart!

I've been introduced into her new tribe
These ladies blow my mind
Talented, poised, and silly
Perfect match for my own ways

This past weekend we celebrated Angie
We laughed
We talked
We ate
We got dolled up
A weekend with 3 women who challenge me just by their presence

I gotta chance to capture what I see when I see them
The poise
The smiles
The silly
Their hearts

Hope you see that too :)

Dime Store Diamond

2010-06-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

...Stay Tuned!

So.. What do you want?

2010-06-10T19:24:00.000-07:00

What do I desire in this life...
What is it that I want...

I want to:
Make the mundane brim with life
Chase the sunset only to greeted by the sunrise
Have that perfect song play during that perfect entrance
Laugh... and hard
Live out the story that was written long before my birth
Cherish even the roughest of times
See my friends whole and healed
Believe and never doubt
Always see you smile

I want:
A room full of windows and fresh cut flowers
A week full of Saturdays
A never ending supply of Sour Patch Kids
A full tank of gas and no agenda
A memorable night talking about nothing at all
A thunderstorm and a cool breeze
A dance montage set to the most ridiculous 80's song there is
A song written just for me
A steady stream of inspiration
A one of a kind wardrobe that I'll never get sick of

That's all I want.. nothing big :)

So .. what do you want?

The Stars

2010-06-09T22:33:00.000-07:00

When I was 20 all hell broke loose.
My brother was murdered outside of his home
A friend I met once, but impacted me forever, died in a car wreck
My grades were terrible
My depression was getting the best of me
Nightmares were common place
My mother was physically falling apart
"Death in Full Color.. It's never been so real!"

The only safety I had were shows
Standing in the crowd screaming lyrics
Traveling hours to hear that one song
Using those times to remind me why I still believed
"Come Lord Jesus!!"

When I was 21 I got my 2nd tattoo
I'd taken time off from school to heal
Spent most of my time at the 9th hour
Showing people salvation through hardcore
Hebrew...spirit filled/breath of God
Reminding me of those I lost
Bonding me to those who adopted me.
"My friends look out for my like family"

When I was 16 I saw my first blanket of stars
Life was a mess unlike anything I had lived
I hated my life
My parents were talking divorce
All I had was God
All I had were the stars
He reminded me then that everything would be ok
If only I'd known what would happen years later
"So leave me alone, until I have learned to grow "

He asked me what I wanted
I wanted to join the pain with the joy
I wanted to remember God's promise
I wanted to cling to his power
I wanted to mark the journey from broken to whole
He prayed and felt stars would be the perfect choice
"Constant surprises, comin' my way!"

When I was 33 I got my 8th tattoo
Life is better than it has ever been
Joy replaces many sorrows
Life is an adventure full of surprises
Everything was totally ok
16 to 20 to 21 to 33
Stars, spirit, breath, promise
"His love endures forever!"

the hebrew:
I'm speaking honestly from my heart.
The Spirit of God made me what I am,
the breath of God Almighty gave me life!
(Job 33:4)

the stars:
The skies were made by God's command;
he breathed the word and the stars popped out.
(psalm 33:6)

Day 1... well sort of...

2010-06-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday totally got away from me and the next thing I knew it was 2:30 am and time for sleep. That means I will be doing 2 today to catch up :), my hope is to make this as much of my morning routine as I do my scripture reading.. here we go!

Saturday was an incredibly busy day. I got a chance to do back to back sessions and to be honest, I loved it. The first was documenting the Church Hill Games and another was a mother daughter session, which I'll talk a bit more after Father's Day :). So let's dive into the games.. shall we!

The Church Hill Games is a community outreach of Blue Sky Fund, U-Turn and a few churches in the area. It's a time where kids in this urban neighborhood get a chance to play some sports, learn some skills and meet some new friends along the way.

Watching this from my vantage point was this awesome preview of heaven, and I could not help but to be struck by the beauty and love all around. Thanks Callie, Lawson and Shola for giving me the opportunity to document this day and for all you do for the kids in this area.

The Challenge

2010-06-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

I used to write all the time.
It was my main outlet for thought, emotion and creativity.

I miss having that perfect pen and journal
I miss composing on my laptop blasting mewithoutyou as inspiration
I miss taking that time and what would result
I kinda miss it.

I've decided for the next 30 days I am going to commit to writing again. When I posed the question last night a friend suggested I add to this challenge a picture a day, seemed like an excellent idea and, to quote my response, "I'ma do it!" I'm a little rusty but hopefully I can get my stride back pretty quickly.

Get ready, over the next 30 days you'll be hearing a lot more from me. :)I do have some ideas for some of the entries (based around my travels over the next few weeks) and I am open to any and all suggestions. So if you have any thoughts let me know what you want to hear about!

Because I wanna start things off right, here is one of my favorite shots from The Church Hill Games this past weekend, expect a more in depth entry on this tomorrow!

W...L...L..

2010-06-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

I was reading a friends blog and she was asked a pretty simple question.

“How are you doing by the way??? Life? Work? Love?”

I liked how she went about it and thought I would give it a shot myself.

Work:Things have been great with both with my main job (secretary) and my side job (photography). It still blows my mind that I have been working my 9-5 for 5 years this month and I have not grown tired of it. Things frustrate me but in the end I really do enjoy my interactions daily with my customers and the side conversations about movies, life, family and the giggles that inevitably happen.One of the really big things is that I have finally struck a balance between working too much and resting too little. The two years prior I worked myself into exhaustion and that really really impacted my ability to enjoy just about everything .

As far as photography I love any chance I get to photograph families, and events and I am beyond blessed that I get to do that every single month. I've had the privilege to experience worship services, family moments, and watching little ones grow. I pray I'm able to do this more and more, it really does energize me.

Autumn and Scott

Life .. also in the realm of great! At the beginning of the year I really felt that I needed to get back out and see more of the world. Each month I've tried to do one different thing and have succeeded. There have been trips to NYC, concerts, the beach, modeling contests, arts conferences, new friends, art exhibits and shopping trips with so much more to come. This summer is going to be filled with more trips, tattoos, and pin-up shoots. Living life like this has really opened my eyes to so much and has made me want to do more, and be more. Between all the adventures there have been church meetings, weddings, and new leadership responsibilities. I have learned a lot about how I am wired and what God's heart for me is and I think for the first time in about 9 years I really feel alive and am so excited to see what's next.

Imogen Heap

Tingen Baby Shower

Life in a Nutshell

Love that's been a whole new adventure. I'm learning a lot about what it means to be in love and what is actually looks like to be in a relationship that is healing. I see now where I have failed in the past and what I have to look forward to in years to come. The only way to really describe where love is right now is to say it is a place that is filled with hope and promise. I have not felt this way in quite some time and it's awesome to experience this again.

Mcsorley Family

So now I’m wondering the same from my friends / readers: Life? Work? Love? You know where to find me.
<3

The Good Things

2010-05-11T23:09:00.000-07:00

I've been talking a lot with folks about love and what it means to be in relationship with another person. When I think about love and realtionships and what it takes I think about the monologe from one of my favorite movies "Away We Go"

But what is this? Is that home, is
that a family? No, no. Course not. That’s just the raw material -- the people, the walls, the furniture, your jobs, maybe a nanny or grandmother. The basics. That’s not a family, that’s not a home. The thing that binds it all together is this.
This is your love, guys, your
patience, your consideration, your better selves. Man, you just have no idea how good you can be! But you have to use all of it.
It’s not like simple brick and mortar, where you use a little layer of mortar between the bricks. With this, you have to use TONS of it. For every brick, there’s a half- ton of mortar.
Mortar, syrup, whatever. It’s the
same. It’s the glue. It’s all those good things you have in you -- the love, the wisdom, the generosity, the selflessness, the patience. Patience at 3am, patience after work, patience when you feel like your life is passing you by and you’re waiting for your baby to burp -- you have to amp that patience aspect so much it’ll make you sick.

it's

2010-04-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

whirling by
15 minutes
different views
tableaus
open windows
glimpses

gentle touch
hand on hip
hair brushed
coy smile
it's... love
*blink*

sparkling eyes
clinking glasses
broad smiles
belly laugh
it's... kindred
*blink*

wrinkled brow
verbose
furious fingers
deep breaths
it's... deadline
*blink*

darting eyes
contended
intoxicated
joy-filed
it's... me
*blink*

The Artist

2010-04-20T15:43:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend with a bunch of artists and activists and I am still taking it all in. To be brief the weekend impacted me more than I thought and I'll be drawing from it for months, and weeks, and years to come. While I am gathering my thoughts here are a few things that resonated.

At our best and most fortunate we make pictures because of what stands before our camera, to honor what is greater and more interesting than we are. We never accomplish this perfectly, though in return we are given something perfect--a sense of inclusion. Our subject thus redefines us, and is part of the biography by which we want to be known. - Robert Adams

PENstory

2010-04-12T14:59:00.000-07:00

I will have my own words..sometime :)

Until then .. this was just to rad to pass up.

Sometimes ya just gotta sing

2010-04-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

My Time

2010-04-03T17:03:00.001-07:00

I adore this band.
Listening to them immediately puts me in a spot to create, or drive, or fly
They are technically tight and the lyrics are awesome.
I cannot wait till this new album comes out next month
Even more excited about seeing them live soon.

Simple Truth

2010-04-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

I heard this song about 6 months ago when I ,as a skeptic, saw a healer speak at a local church.
I came in expecting to find flaws
I came in expecting to see theatrics
I came in expecting nothing to change in me.

What I got were things I could not explain away
What I saw were things that made my eyes well
What I felt was something close to being made new
What I took away was a simple truth

I love.. I love... I love your presence

In the glory of your presence
I find rest, for my soul
In the depths of your love
I find peace, makes me whole

I love, I love, I love your presence
I love, I love, I love your presence
I love, I love, I love you Jesus
I love, I love, I love your presence

Music is my Muse

2010-03-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

I keep stumbling upon bands that are really stirring my creativity in some shape or form or another.

For me music is as much a part of my art as the visual.
Maybe it is that both can tell a pretty fantastic story and that, in the end is my aim.
Maybe it's just that the groove of a laid-back guitar riff sends me.
Maybe I am just a product of my stimulated and saturated generation who related more to Kurt Cobain than we did our own parents.
Regardless... music is my muse.
Hopefully it has the same effect on you!

Yours Truly Presents: The Morning Benders "Excuses" from Yours Truly on Vimeo.

Apropos

2010-03-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

I am digging this pretty hardcore today.
I think it's inspiring me to do something! :)
Stay Tuned!

After The Rain (Little Dragon)

After the rain the temperature dropt
And covered in ice was my window top
I say goodbye I wave my hand
As a thousand doves fly
Across the blackened night

After the rain we forget
We make sure we gain then we leave it
‘Cause were a nation of forgetters
Oh after the rain we pretend
It’s easier to begin without looking back

‘Cause all at once air so thin
And there’s nothing left to breath in

After the rain we forget
After the rain we forget

Behind a dream so rosy and red a pile of things to forget
A voice of the past tiptoes in a cracking ghost whispering

After the rain we forget
We make sure we gain then we leave it
‘Cause were a nation of forgetters

After the rain we forget
After the rain we forget

People where have you been
Have you been hiding
In you big houses
People after the rain
Will your life
Will it ever be the same
Oh people what will you do
When you luck
When it turns on you
Wow people after the rain
Will your life
Will it ever be the same

After the rain we forget
After the rain we forget
After the rain we forget